The Killik
July 26
It is hot and sunny. There is the relentless sound of the river flowing green and white as it moves north. The sunrise was pink and grey with the river shinning white and blue. The sky was filled with soft pink clouds and the mountains glowed pink in the east. Hidden within the pink horizon was a faintly glowing rainbow. I was a sleepwalker in this early morning light.
The river surprised us yesterday with a series of powerful rapids. One long rapid filled with waves and holes was a complex boulder garden that was easily Class IV. We threaded our way between big holes and boulders, alive in the warmth of the sun and the roaring sound of the river. At the bottom of the rapid, as we floated for a moment in calm water, a bull caribou stepped out of the willows and trotted along the shore before disappearing again into the thicket. It was a moment of magic.
The land here is open with long curves of green beneath the wide arch of the sky. We have become accustomed to this being in and on the land. It is a simple, solitary life with Sharon and me. We haven’t seen another person since we began the trip nearly a month ago. Our life is spent on the river, surrounded by the rocks, the gravel, the alder, mountains and sky with our imagination filled with images of an animal world. This is a place to be quiet, it is a place to meditate on the meaning of things. It is an opportunity to find balance with the world around us. The place enters our lungs and fills our eyes.
My brain cycles through thoughts of the “other world,” of rectangles and schedules, of commerce and profit, of war and famine. I have a new and more emotional response to death and killing. Disgust for the forces, which see violence as a tool for freedom and safety. Here, miles from anyone, it is clear that you are responsible for your decisions. But in the world that we come from it is easy to believe that someone else will protect you. It is easy to lose the connection between what you have and where it came from, and to understand what it costs in dollars, resources and time.
Here in this simple world everything has a place. Less is certainly more and more is certainly less. There is no profit beyond experience. There is no commerce, there is no waste and nothing is ugly. There is nothing senseless, here, everything is exactly what it is, and there is no confusion.
July 27
I take the solitude, peace, harmony and quiet for granted. It is just the way things are here. At times I look around and feel as though I am living in my photographs… The landscape fills every space of my being. In the past the lessons, revelations and images of the place would surprise me, having ventured into what was uncharted personal territory, I was filled with a need to share the story of my trip and the lessons I had leaned from the place. But this trip has made me quiet, wordless, but not thoughtless. The landscape has entered me, changed me. The intensity of being here has not diminished even as it has become familiar. The wildness of the place, the visual intensity of each moment, the excitement that comes from being alone here fills me up, and for now at least it is what I am.
I am not a fool; I am a visitor to this place, at the moment a part of the place but inevitably apart from it. I know that each day here is precious, the time is difficult to come by, it is easy to squander and it is impossible to replace. The lessons of the place are intense. The volume of wilderness in sound, in size and in imagery can only be appreciated in small bites. I chew on each idea, each detail, and over time, bit by bit the place is revealed to me, my commitment to the “search” grows, my understanding moves ahead by inches.
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